Monday, October 25, 2004

The Verdict is In

Well, I was just informed that, while it's ok for my boss and his wife to go into Baghdad, it's not ok for me to go. So, if I want her to pack up my things, she'll do that for me, or they hope that I'll reconsider staying in Amman for a while.

I guess there's some improvement here. When I spoke with them on Saturday, they "selfishly wanted me to stay...so that I could finish up some work I was doing (which is hopefully still on my computer, awaiting retrieval)." Today at least they wanted me to reconsider staying because a) it might mean that in a month, the powers that be would allow me to go in to say my goodbyes, and b) I'm the only one of our team who's actually involved with an Iraqi family here in Amman (my language teacher Reghid and her family).

I've had my little cry (although I'm sure I'll have more over the course of the evening). But it's a lot easier to take "bad" news when you asked that God's will be done. That's really the difference between trusting God and not trusting Him, I guess. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy about not getting my way, by any means, so don't hold me up as a shining example...but sincerely hoping that His will be done, and trusting that everything that happens is according to His plan and for the good of those who love Him...well, you can be disappointed, but you just can't really be angry, shattered, etc. with "bad" news...because He's got it all under control, even if we can't see it right now.

Those among you, my friends, who are not believers probably think I'm stupid for feeling this way and saying these things. And those among you who are believers are at this moment building up my pedestal a little higher and giving it a little more of a shine. And both sets of you are wrong (but especially the believers).

I guess I just feel that I can't exactly rage at God when I asked Him to do His will, and not mine.

Anyway, my boss and wife asked that I think about things again. I have until tomorrow around 2PM (that's morning for you east-coasters) to decide if I want my boss' wife to pack my things before it would cost the Company money to cancel her ticket.

Heh....people think I want a husband for the sex and the babies, and well...yeah, that's true....but I'm also just tired of deciding things like this on my own. If I had a husband, I could make him decide for me, then just submit to his authority.

Right now, my gut instinct is to go home and curl up in a little ball for a few weeks. If it weren't for some things (in Baghdad) that are especially precious to me, I think I'd get on a plane right now.

Anyway.....so I've got about 20 hours to decide what I ought to do.

1 comment:

Mom said...

Hi Sweetie,

I'm sorry I missed getting to talk to you tonight. I'm sure they told you that I was getting some teacher training.

Looks like the best you're going to get right now is her packing for you and coming on home. Getting into school earlier could be very good. I'd love to have you here for the holidays too. I know a working mom with a bad back who would hire you to put her house in order. You could get paid to be the "evil sister" and crack the whip. :-)

How possible is getting to go back in later to at least do your own packing and having some personal good-byes? You could get that little job finished for them and get more language study in country (always better). You are the one who has made a personal connection in Ammon. The better your Arabic, the better your usefullness back here with the Arabic peoples here.

Your dad and I have been at the cut and run point many times. There were times we stuck it out. Other times we felt we had done all we could, and we were just not welcome anymore. We felt released from that "call" and looked for the next "call".

I feel you are freed from your obligation and could feel ok about coming out ASAP. If you do stay - MAKE something for yourself to do there in Ammon. Gather kids and teach the stories from THE BOOK you can tell and read in Arabic. Teach an Iraqi the basic phonics of their own language. Do some clowning. Tutor kids in math; that's universal (give them a few STORIES too). This is the first time they seem to welcome your staying.

I'm with you either way. You're safest and happiest in HIS will.

I love you,
Mom